FADE IN:TITLE CARD: "A GAINSBOROUGH PICTURE"The camera moves along a set of train tracks, entering a tunnel.UNKNOWNI wantMAN IN TOP HATto go to Birmingham and they're taking me on theUNKNOWNcruise. Oh, Mr. Porter, what a funny man you are.TITLE CARD: "International Film Renters Ltd. PRESENTS WILL HAY in 'Oh, Mr. Porter!' MADE WITH THE CO-OPERATION OF THE SOUTHERN RAILWAY AND THE LONDON AND NORTH EASTERN RAILWAY COMPANIES Original story by Frank Launder FULL-RANGE RECORDING SYSTEM RECORDED AT ISLINGTON LONDON"The camera continues to move along the tracks, exiting the tunnel and entering another.TITLE CARD: "SCREEN PLAY J.O.C. Orton Val Guest Marriott Edgar PHOTOGRAPHY Arthur Crabtree EDITING R.E. Dearing CUTTING Alfred Roome SETTINGS Velchinsky RECORDING W. Salter MUSICAL DIRECTOR Louis Levy"TITLE CARD: "Directed by Marcell Varnell"TITLE CARD: "CAST William Porter Will Hay Jeremiah Harbottle Moore Marriott Albert Graham Moffatt Mr. Trimbleton Sebastian Smith Mrs. Trimbleton Agnes Lauchlan Superintendent Percy Walsh Grogan Dennis Wyndham The Postman Dave O'Toole"EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAYA new train, the SILVER LINK N° 2509, sits on the tracks. A crowd of people are gathered on the platform.MAN IN TOP HATAnd as the managing director of this railway, it is the great pleasure in asking the wife of the Minister of Public Communications to christen our new engines. IWOMAN IN HATnow christen you the silver link.MR. TRIMBLETONAs Minister of Public Communications, speaking on behalf of my wife and myself, we would like to please the record of the prizeMR. TRIMBLETONWe feel that you should have selected usMR. TRIMBLETONto perform the ceremony. In all the years I've been in office,MR. TRIMBLETONI can recallMR. TRIMBLETONno happier occasion.MAN IN TOP HATNo, no, no, no, no, no.MR. TRIMBLETONDon't stop him. The work of the railway must go off.A MAN in a cap is tapping the wheels of the train with a hammer. He looks up at the commotion.MAN IN TOP HATOh, that's all. I can wait. I'llMR. TRIMBLETONlisten to you.MAN IN TOP HATWillie, what's our Willie doing here?MR. TRIMBLETONCome here, my man.MR. TRIMBLETONSo you're the wheel tapper, eh? That reminds me of a story they used to tell about a wheel tapper on the line. He'd been tapping wheels for 40 years. And one day somebody asked him why he taps wheels. And what do you think he said? He said, I'm blown if I know.MR. TRIMBLETONHe'd been tapping wheels for 40 years and didn't know why.MAN IN TOP HATLouis,WOMAN IN HATthink me a little stupid. But why do they tap them?MAN IN TOP HATAh, well, er... Well, you see, it's like this, madam. If I tap the wheel with this hammer and the wheel goes clang, then I know the wheel's there, you see? Yes, but suppose the wheel doesn't go clang. Well, then I know the train's gone.The woman christens the train by smashing a bottle of champagne against it. Water sprays everywhere, drenching the MAN IN TOP HAT.MAN IN TOP HAT (CONT'D)That's the lock. Thanks.A young man in a white uniform hands the MAN IN TOP HAT a towel.MAN IN TOP HAT (CONT'D)Hold on.The young man helps the MAN IN TOP HAT remove his wet coat.MAN IN TOP HAT (CONT'D)Pair of dark trousers with white pink stripes. Here.He hands the trousers to a WOMAN in a train compartment.MAN IN TOP HAT (CONT'D)Ditto, cleaning number 1349. Those are made.INT. TRAIN COMPARTMENT - DAYThe MAN IN TOP HAT is now in a different compartment, wearing a white shirt and waistcoat. He looks distressed.MRS. TRIMBLETONI've never been so humiliated in all my life to think that I should live to see my own brother working as a common wheel sapper. But, my dear... What's the good of being managing director if you can't get Willie a better position than that? But we've tried him in everything. Well, if that's the best you can do, I should insist on Willie resigning from the railway altogether. You mean leave us altogether? Certainly. After all, there's no need for him to work on the line.MAN IN TOP HATNo, there must be other things he can do. Exactly.MRS. TRIMBLETONHe can come and live with us. What? In our house? Why not? Better that than tapping wheels. But, my dear... My mind is made up. Either Willie gets a decent job or he comes to live with us. Yes, but... Undo that thing and don't argue. Don't beMAN IN TOP HAThasty, my dear. I'll see the superintendent atMRS. TRIMBLETONonce. That's more likeMAN IN TOP HATit. I'll go and fetch Willie.INT. OFFICE - DAYThe MAN IN TOP HAT is speaking to a SUPERINTENDENT. The MRS. TRIMBLETON enters the office.MAN IN TOP HATI can, sir. He should be fired. You know the board's attitude towards incompetence. No, you don't understand, old man. If he's fired, my wife's going to have him live with us. Oh,MAN IN TOP HATlife wouldn't be worth living. I wouldn't have a sock to call my own. Oh, you have my sympathy, sir. Sympathy's no good. What I want is help. Well, have you any special position in mind for him? No, no. So long as it has the semblance of promotion.MAN IN TOP HATWell, would it matter if we sent him very far away? The farther the better. Well, now let me see.MRS. TRIMBLETONCome on, Willie. There's nothing to be nervous about. Oh,WILLIEI'm not nervous. I've been here before.WILLIE enters the office, looking nervous. He is wearing a cap and overalls.MRS. TRIMBLETONI hope you've explained the situation, Charles. Well, my dear, I was just... You see, Mr. Young, we don't think it conforms with our dignity to have a relative of ours tapping wheels. We've never had a tapper in our family, have we, Willie?WILLIEWell, there was Uncle Joe.MAN IN TOP HATI thought we'd taken you off tapping. You were supposed to be sorting parcels. What were you doing on the line, anyway? Well, after I'd checked 200 Stilton cheeses, I needed some fresh air.MRS. TRIMBLETONYou've never given the boy a proper chance. We've trained him in many capacities, my dear. What positions has he held?MAN IN TOP HATIn 1934, we made him chief coupler at Miggleswick. And you know what you did there.WILLIEYes, I coupled. Yes, you coupled the Coltrain to the Scotch Express. I did nothing in the short. You deny it. Certainly I do. I did not couple the Coltrain to the Scotch Express. I coupled the Scotch Express to the Coltrain.MRS. TRIMBLETONFancy putting anyone with Willie's intelligence to couple trains.MAN IN TOP HATOn Derby Day, 1935, we put you on the indicator board. Yes, that's quite right. And you sent 12,000 race-goers to a temperance convention in Wales. Did you hear about that too? Hear about it? Yes, from 12,000 race-goers. Charles. Yes, my dear. Either Willie gets promoted or... What vacancies are there?MAN IN TOP HATThere's a vacancy for a sleeping car attendant.MRS. TRIMBLETONNo, that would keep him up too late.MAN IN TOP HATDoes a guard want it for a milk train? No, that'll get me up too early. Oh, well, that's all there is.MRS. TRIMBLETONRight, come on, Willie.MAN IN TOP HATSurely there must be something. Well, we've already offered him two posts. What does he want? Just a minute.MAN IN TOP HATHave you got any station masters? London Main Line Terminus, I suppose. Oh, no, no. Start me Manchester, Birmingham. I'll work my way up. Well, there aren't any station master vacancies. Ah, there you are, sis. See what I'm up against. Victimization. The one job I know I can do, and they won't give me a chance. What's this? Oh, that must have just come in. There's a place in Ireland called Buggleskelly. Oh, that's nothing. There's a place in Wales called... They want a station master at Buggleskelly. What? Excuse me one minute.MAN IN TOP HATMr. Ledbetter, about that vacancy for a station master at Buggles, Kelly, I thought we filled there a month ago. Yes, sir, but it's vacant again. Don't know, sir. Local conditions would appear to be peculiar. We've sent them five station masters in 12 months. What happened to the last one? I'll read you his letter, sir. Sounds a bit queer to me. Dear sir, since coming to this district, I have discovered I am Napoleon Bonaparte, and since you refused to transfer me to Waterloo, I resign. P.S. Please forward all letters to Moscow. I intend to retreat there.MAN IN TOP HATAnd the one before him, why did he leave? I've no idea, sir. But I remember we sent a reef.MAN IN TOP HATSo is the very place. Can I have it? You've got it. It's a country station, rather off the beaten track. Oh, I don't mind. As long as it's near the railway. Let me see.The SUPERINTENDENT points to a map of Ireland on the wall.MAN IN TOP HAT (CONT'D)Here's our line running through Northern Ireland. And here is Buggles, Kelly.The Superintendent points to a specific spot on the map.A train is superimposed over the map.INT. TRAIN CARRIAGE - NIGHTThe train is moving, and the wheels are visible. It is raining outside.A sign outside the window reads "BALLYDRUM RATHEND & BUGGLESKELLY"The window is covered in rain, obscuring the view.Inside the carriage, several people are huddled together. A WOMAN IN SHAWL is holding a basket.MRS. TRIMBLETONWouldMAN IN HATyou mind?The MAN IN HAT helps the WOMAN IN SHAWL with her basket.UNKNOWNThanks.MAN IN HATThat's a grand coffee you have there, mister.WILLIE is holding a large, ornate clock.WILLIEOh, this? Just a little present from my staff when they heard I was eating lunch. But what might the inscription be? To William Porter, that way, from his fellow workers on the occasion of his promotion to the station master at Buggles Kelly.WOMAN IN SHAWLWhat's that he said? This gentleman is the new station master. Poor man. And him a stranger.WILLIEWhy, what's wrong with it?WOMAN IN SHAWLIt's a braveWOMAN IN SHAWLman, the child. No chicken child a man will walk abroad there after dark.MAN IN HATIs it damp or something? Did you ever hear a tale of One-Eyed Jewel, the Phantom Miller? No, I didn't follow greyhounds. Follow, is it? Follow. You'll be a lucky man if One-Eyed Jewel never follows you. He was murdered by the railway. In the old days, he was a rich man, and a man too. He owned the hill and the mill that stands on top of it. You should be able to see it from here.The view outside the window is dark and blurry.MAN IN HAT (CONT'D)Then one day the railway came along, and what did they do but start to run a tunnel right through the heart of the hill without buying your labor or nothing? Well, that was hardly sick transit law there, was it? He should have sued them. He did better. He put a curse on the line and swore that any train that entered the tunnel should never come out again. Well, that would match up the time tables a bit, wouldn't it? The first train that came along there in the mouth of the tunnel stood one-eyed Joe, with his arms upraised. Go back, go back, he tried. But the engine driver drove straight on. What, over cock-eyed Joe? And the next morning, his body was found on the line.WILLIEAnd every night when the moon gives light, the ghost of the miller is seen. As he walks the track with the sack on his back down to the black porhine. And the middle wheels turn, though the night is still. And the old lights flash from the ruin mill. He haunts the station. He haunts the hill and the land that lies between.MAN IN HATBugglers,WILLIEKelly. Oh, man.WILLIEOh, that's your problem. Thanks.The train stops. The passengers begin to exit.Willie tries to open the window, but it is stuck. He struggles with it.EXT. COUNTRYSIDE - NIGHTWillie is walking alone in the rain, carrying his clock. He looks lost.WILLIEHey, it says two miles to Buckleskelly from here. I can't help it. Well, how do I get there? You walk. Follow this road round the Puttapooka Hill. Pass the Witch's Oak. Drop down into Hell's Hollow. Well, I only asked you a simple question. And the station's right in front of you. You can't miss it. Oh, well, thank you very much. Good night to you. Good boy to you. Yes.WILLIEOh, you're the funny-looking bird.WILLIEWhy, you, you flat-faced bullet.Willie looks up at an OWL perched on a sign that reads "BUGGLESKELLY STATION TWO MILES"Willie continues to walk in the rain.He stops at a sign that reads "SOUTHERN RAILWAY OF NORTHERN IRELAND"Willie opens a gate and walks through.Willie walks along the tracks.He passes another sign that reads "BUGGLESKELLY"Willie walks into a dark building.INT. BUGGLESKELLY STATION - NIGHTWillie enters a dimly lit station office. He looks around nervously.He sees a note on the wall that reads "give half A Pint"Willie looks out a window.WILLIEThe next train's gone. What do you mean, next train's gone? There's no sense in that. It's like saying the last train that came in hasn't... Hasn't what? Well, hasn't gone? Don't argue with me. Come out, let me in. Come out? What, at night? Not me. Aye, aye, aye.Willie is talking to someone through a small window.WILLIE (CONT'D)Oh, there you are. What, are you here again? Again? I haven't been away yet. What's the idea of keeping me out of my own station? Come out.Willie enters the main part of the station office, which is cluttered with various items. JEREMIAH HARBOTTLE, an old man with a long white beard, is sitting at a desk.WILLIE (CONT'D)Oh, what a station.WILLIELook at that. A bit of fish, ain't you? I don't want any of this from you. Who are you, anyway? Me? I'm Arbottle. Porter, Shunter, Signalman. Deputy Station Master when there isn't a Station Master, which is more open than not. Oh, well, there's one now, see? Where? Here, I'm the Station Master. Where's your clock? What clock? Your presentation clock. How did you know I got one? Ah, they all bring them. Bung it with the others.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEThey look lovely when they knew, don't they?JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEWilliam Porter. Another William. That was William O'Shea. Poor Bill. Why, what happened to him? They put him away. Had to. Oh.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEMick McGuire? Well, why did he leave? Nobody knows. He went out after dark. Where to? I don't know. Never saw him again. But we heard him. At least Albert did. Albert? Who's Albert? He functions for me when I'm not here. Oh. Well, which is his clock? He hasn't got a clock. He's still alive. Hey, give me that back. Well, aren't you going to put it for the others? What amongst them? There are a lot of tombstones.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEWhat's that? If it gives two owls, owls and a toot, it's Albert.WILLIEWell, he's not afraid of the dark, anyway. Oh, he plays with the pixies. Oh, does he? All that's going to stop from now on. Here's the subject here, Ma. Mine ready? Yep.A WOMAN enters the office, carrying a basket of eggs.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEWhat's he want? New station, master.A young man, ALBERT, enters the office. He is wearing a striped shirt and a cap.WILLIEGo and ask the cough, hurry. Never mind about my cough. You show a little more respect to your superiors. And put that back where you got it from.WILLIEAnd take your cap off. And you. What have you got there? My supper beer. Have some? Certainly not. This place is far too free and easy altogether. I don't know with a man in my position and hobnobbing with his staff. You keep your place and I'll keep mine.WILLIEWhat is it, bitter?A painting of a pastoral scene is shown.INT. TRAIN CARRIAGE - NIGHTWillie is sleeping in a train carriage, covered in hay. A COW is next to him.WILLIEHey, move over. I want to come out. You have to wait. I've got to empty this cow.MR. TRIMBLETONHey, who does she belong to?Willie is now dressed in striped pajamas. He looks out the window.Willie throws hay out of the window.Willie climbs out of the window.WILLIEThe where? Here. She's Alice.MR. TRIMBLETONOh, yes.WILLIEI suppose that's her name, is it?Willie holds up a sign that reads "LOST IN TRANSIT"WILLIE (CONT'D)Something burning somewhere?JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEThat'd be Albert cooking her breakfast.WILLIESmells more like somebody cooking Albert.Willie and Jeremiah walk away from the train.Albert is cooking something in a pan over a fire.INT. BUGGLESKELLY STATION - DAYWillie, Jeremiah, and Albert are sitting at a table, eating breakfast.WILLIEAh, I think I'm going to like Bucklef Kelly. Yeah, in the daytime.WILLIEWell, you've got a big cheese here. Yeah, this is where you sit. Thank you.WILLIEWhere did this come from? Don't it say?JEREMIAH HARBOTTLENo, it just says where it's going to.WILLIEWhat's the idea of this? Tell me you're eating food that doesn't belong to you. We haven't had any places since we came to Ireland. We can't starve, so we borrow things. Borrow? You mean you steal things from the railway? I wouldn't call it stealing. Call it stepping off the country.WILLIEDanish? Not particular which country either, are you? That's all right. We paid for that. What did that cost you?UNKNOWNAWILLIEticket to Belfast. A what? A ticket to Belfast. Yes, that's how we get everything. Good, ain't it? So that's it. You've been getting goods by giving away the company's tickets. Well, I've never heard of such a thing. It's absolutely dishonest. Do you understand you're in a position of trust here? The company came along and started checking up on their tickets. Wasn't it where they'd gone to? You'd be in a fine mess, wouldn't you? That's right. Well, this isn't right. In future, you'll make sure those tickets come back. How? Well, give them return tickets.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLENice piece of bacon, this. Danish, too? No, this is home-grown. Yeah, some sauce.WILLIEOh, go on, some of your shop. This time.WILLIEBut don't keep the customers waiting.Jeremiah gets up and walks towards the door.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEIt's Murphy, called for his pigs. Well, give them to him. Can't, not now. What do you mean, not now? If there is probably he can have them any time he likes. Well, not all of them. Not all of them? Well, why not all of them?MAN IN HATWhere did you get this baiting?WILLIEThat's right. Well, that's a nice state of affairs. You don't want to steal the company's goods and pawn their tickets, but you actually pinch things from a customer. Well, who's going to tell him? You are. You're the station master. I'll do no such thing. That's not part of a station master's duties. A man comes here, leaves his pigs with the company. When he comes back, what does he find? Finds you beating them. Well, how was I to know?WILLIEWell, somebody better tell him before he knocks that door down. Well, I'll tell him. I should report this to the company. Absolutely disgraceful sitting there like a couple of pigs eating. Well, you're a pair of cannibals, that's what you are.A man with a large beard, MR. MURPHY, enters the office.WILLIE (CONT'D)What can I do for you, Mr... My name's Murphy and I want my pigs. Have you got your voucher? Is this what you mean? Are you sure you left them at the station? Of course, I'm sure. Come on, let's have them. They've been here a long time, you know. They used to come sooner.WILLIEWe've had a rather cold spell. Pigs are only human after all. I couldn't come sooner. My wife had Quincy's. Like that woman in Canada. Have you got two pigs of mine here, or haven't you?WILLIEAs a matter of fact, I... I won't give you a moment.MR. MURPHYWe'veWILLIEgot them. What, here? Yes. Mine?UNKNOWNYes.WILLIEWhere are they? In there. Oh,WILLIEwell, would you come and identify your property, Mr. Murphy? I will.Willie leads Mr. Murphy to a pen where two pigs are kept.Two pigs are in a pen.MR. MURPHYHey, it's just two here. Who's the other one belong to?JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEHim. We're six.WILLIEAh, yes.WILLIEWell, Mr. Murphy, let me congratulate you. Your pigs have had a visit from the stock. Looks as if they had a visit from the butcher, too. Where's the rest of them? What about the litter? Oh, don't worry about that. We'll clear it up. I mean the litter of pigs. Oh, thereUNKNOWNitWILLIEis. But you don't call one a litter, do you? Pussy Jane never furrows less than semen. Well, you can't expect her to keep it up all the time, can you?WILLIEI wants me property. Oh, take it. Two pigs, that's all it says here. I wants me litter too. It is the law of nature. Ah, but it's not the law of the railway. What doesn't go in can't come out. I mean, what you can't do, what you don't put in, you can't take out, can you? I mean, it's here for yourself. There you are. The company should be reliable in the aggregate for misdelivery, detention, misdelivery, negligence, occasionally, more separately, if it's left on the premises. There you are, left on the premises. You left two pigs. You can't get there on that plane. It's a pig staff. He has stolen me litter rights through the company. I'm sorry, Mr. Murphy, but rules are rules, litter or no litter, and I'm acting stupid. strictly within the letter of the law. Yes, I'll settle with you. In the meantime, you might just settle this bill, will you please? A bill? What for? A keep of two pigs for one month, 15 shillings. What? Well, I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll take the small pig in full settlement. So you not only steal me pigs, but you charge me 15 shillings for the privilege. It's a rule of the company. You can't break it. Oh, no. Well, here's where I break something belonging to the company.WILLIEHello. Has he gone? No. This is the station. What can I do for you? What's that? A fire? Where?WILLIEAt the farm? Whose farm? No, good gracious. What are you talking about? What? The haystacks gone? And the barns. Whose barns? Oh dear me. And the house. Whose house? Yours. House Mrs. Murphy and the Quincy's.WILLIEHey, what was all that about? Never you mind. You send those pigs back to Murphy's Park before they'll cause me more trouble.WILLIEAnd if you see a stock flying about here, throw something at it.A bell RINGS.WILLIE (CONT'D)What's that? Oh, that'll be the express. What, a train? Could have happened. When is it due? Ten minutes, but it won't stop. What do you mean, it won't stop? It will. I know it won't. It only stops at important stations. Yes, well, in future, this is going to be an important station. It's going to stop today.EXT. BUGGLESKELLY STATION - DAYWillie, Jeremiah, and Albert are standing on the platform. Albert is sweeping the platform with a broom.WILLIEWell, I... Hey, come on. Don't you dare do nothing. There's a train coming through. Go on, do something. Stand up in the face of it. Go on. Hey, get those things off the line. It ain't a thing. It's a mallet.UNKNOWNIClothes are hanging on a clothesline across the tracks.WILLIEwould say the washing off the line. Of course, it's not dry. Well, who cares? There's a station, not a laundry.WILLIESee? Oh, you one-half cop it, stop me in a train for no reason. You mind your own business. I'm station master here, and if I want a train to stop, itUNKNOWNstops.WILLIEOh, the gate! Where's the wheel that opens that gate? Over there.Willie runs to a large wheel next to the tracks.UNKNOWNIsWILLIEthe gate opening?UNKNOWNYeah.Willie struggles to turn the wheel.WILLIEOpening now?UNKNOWNNo.WILLIEWell, you ought to outturn this wheel four times. That wheel don't work.WILLIEWhat do you mean, Jimmy? Let me break my back, Jimmy. You have to open it by hand. Well, why don't you sayWILLIEso? Albert, come on and do this padlock. Can't. We lost the key. Well, how do you open the gate? You have to lift it off the hinges. Oh. Huh?Willie walks towards the gate.Willie talks to Albert.WILLIE (CONT'D)Now, you go down to theWILLIEother one.Albert runs off.Willie and Jeremiah run through a garden.UNKNOWNOh, the signal. Here, here, here, here,WILLIEhere, here. Give me my tomatoes. Well, in fact, everything's down at a place like this. What do you think ofUNKNOWNit?WILLIESkew gardens? Here, here. I brought these up by hand. Yes, when they're coming down by foot. Oh, no, they're not.A signal flag is raised.WILLIE (CONT'D)Well, what did I get out of the dog?JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEThis is a distress signal, I think.Jeremiah is looking out of the train window.The clothesline is still across the tracks.Jeremiah is still looking out of the train window.A train approaches, emitting smoke.Willie waves a flag frantically.The train passes by.Willie continues to wave the flag.The TRAIN CONDUCTOR exits the train.TRAIN CONDUCTORWhat are you stopping my train for?WILLIEWell, I'm the new station master here.TRAIN CONDUCTORWell, what about it?WILLIEWell, I thought I'd give you a chance of making my acquaintance. What?UNKNOWNDoWILLIEyou think I want my train held up every time some dirty little hall changes its staff? Dirty little hall? Don't you talk like that about my station? Station, do you call it? It's a nice ordered dump, that's what it is. You don't think any decent train to stop here, do you? Ah, well, they're going to stop here. I'm not going to have my station ignored. Dirty little dump indeed. It seems it's your train anyway. Take your hands off my train. Well, you take your feet off my platform. Now listen, you're wasting me time. Go on away. Can't you move up a bit? No. Can't you move up a couple of yards? Oh, go away.UNKNOWNWell,WILLIEa couple of inches then. Get away with you. What's the trouble here? Yeah, what's all the noise about? Goodbye, Ben.The train conductor and another man are talking to Willie.The train emits smoke, blowing the clothes off the line.WILLIE (CONT'D)Yeah, and nearly as dirty as when he took them off.Albert exits the train, carrying a crate of ducks.Ducks are in a crate.WILLIE (CONT'D)Right away, Mike. Hey, wait a minute. Here. You can't tell him I don't wait like that. I'm the station master here. All aboard for Ballyhooley, Ballycarrie, Ballybubbion. Go ahead, Mike. Hey, stay where you are, Mike. You run along and play. When I'm ready. All aboard for Ballybuggles and all the other Ballyplaces. You don't even know where the train's going to. Why should I? When it leaves here, I'll wash my hands of it. All right, Mike, push off.WILLIEHe goes when I tell him. Go ahead, Mike. I don't want any impregnance from you.WILLIEYou big, sloppy-looking misfits. Why don't you get a proper hat?UNKNOWNWhatWILLIEdo you mean, a proper hat?TRAIN CONDUCTORYour station smells like a backyard dustbin.WILLIEIt isn't even on the map. Why, you guard you! Blackbeak! Fall-eyed! And you mind you stopping? You come here next time and there'll be trouble if you don't. Be back!WILLIENot on the map, isUNKNOWNhe? Oh,WILLIEsauce. Oh, well, maybe it could do with a coat of paint.Willie looks around the station.ALBERTHey, you knock those up. No, I made a mistake and got out of the wrong station.WILLIEOh, well, that's all right,ALBERTthen. Well, don't stand there. Go on. Shell some peas.Willie and Albert are standing next to a sign that reads "BUGGLESKELLY"WILLIEIt's my thinking another with the station master. What are you doing to the station? Putting it on the mat. Got this idea. All right, no answer.Willie is kneeling on the ground, arranging white stones to spell out "BUGGLESKELLY"WILLIE (CONT'D)Our model. Eh?JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEThat's another way to spell it. There are two L's in Kelly. Count of that, 13 letters. Unlucky. Oh. Well, take one of the K's out. Nobody'll notice. Eh?JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEYou're wasting your time. What's that? You're wasting your time. What do you think you're doing there? Just watching you wasting your time. All right, well, you waste your time and I waste mine. What are you burying? I'm not burying anything. I'm planting lobelia. You're wasting your time. Why?JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEYou won't be here when they come up.WILLIEHey, can't you get rid of him? Is he a relation of yours? No, but we both go out with the same girl. Oh, well, let's ignore him.WILLIEHere, you go and wait for the office in case my bell pass call comes through.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEYou're wasting your time.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEAll right, I'll buy it. What's the answer? There wasn't a breath of wind last night. Well, what's that going to do with me? Yet the sails of the windmill went round and round and round. Good day to you.Jeremiah walks towards a chocolate vending machine.WILLIEHey, what are you doing to that machine? Taking a bit of chocolate. What's the idea of kicking it? What do you think the slot's for? To blow down if the kick don't work. To blow down if the kick don't work? Here, I'll tell youMR. MURPHYsomething.INT. BUGGLESKELLY STATION - DAYThe telephone RINGS.UNKNOWNWhat? Telephone's ringing. Get out of here.Willie picks up the phone.WILLIEHello?INT. BELFAST OFFICE - DAYWOMAN ON PHONEBelfast speaking. You wanted us. Who is that?A WOMAN is speaking on the phone.INT. BUGGLESKELLY STATION - DAYWILLIEThis is Buckles Kelly. What's that you said? Buckles Kelly.WILLIEB for basket? Eh? What? Who did? I did not. I said this is Bungles Kelly.WOMAN ON PHONEThat's the name of my station. Oh, it's you again. Well, what is it this time?WOMAN ON PHONEAll right, I'll put you through to Mr. Brock.WOMAN ON PHONEMr. Brock.INT. BELFAST OFFICE - DAYMR. BROCK is sitting at his desk, speaking on the phone.MR. BROCKYes?WILLIEPorter? Where? I'm not a railway porter. I'm Porter the Station Master. No, not both, only one. I'm Station Master Porter at Buggles on your railway. What the devil do you want now? I've already sent you 200 posters and 50 gallons of paint. What have I got down there, a circus?INT. BUGGLESKELLY STATION - DAYWILLIEOh, you want to run an excursion. Where to? Well, I don't know yet, but there must be a lot of nice places in Ireland. I mean, there's Kilkenny, where the cats come from, and Connemara, where they have all the bogs. Then there's Limerick, the home of poetry. Limerick. You know, there was a young lady of Gloucester. How many tickets could you sell? What shall I say? Who's sweetheart double-crossed her. Who's sweetheart double-crossed her? What are you talking about? The young lady from Gloucester. She said... Listen, I'll kick that one tooth of yours out and leave you stark naked, you old fool. No, not you, no, no. Listen, how many people can we get to go to Connemara?MR. MURPHYWell, there's theWILLIEold party from the church. There's the church party. And the girl at the post office. And the post office staff. And my bird. And his bird. Listen, get out of it. Get out!Willie pushes Jeremiah and Albert out of the way.WILLIE (CONT'D)Well, I can't give you the exact number at the moment, but in rough figures, I should say quite a lot. Oh, I should think two carriages would be enough with what we've got. Oh, just one other little thing we shall want, an engine.Willie hangs up the phone.Willie walks towards Jeremiah and Albert.EXT. BUGGLESKELLY STATION - DAYWillie, Jeremiah, and Albert are sitting outside the station.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEWhat are you doing to the station?WILLIEPutting it on the map.Albert points to Willie's nose.WILLIE (CONT'D)Got this idea. All right, no answer.Willie walks towards the chocolate machine.Willie kicks the machine.EXT. TRAIN YARD - DAYWillie, Jeremiah, and Albert are walking through a train yard, looking at old train carriages.WILLIEHere youWILLIEare.WILLIEWell, all we've got to do is to get it up from amongst those trucks. That's right. What's right? All we've got to do is to get it up from amongst those trucks. Well, I just said that. I know, I heard you. Well, get your coach up and get to it. Come on.WILLIEWe should need Gladstone. What are you talking about? Of course, you don't know who Gladstone is, do you? What do you mean, the man who made the bags? Gladstone's our engine. Well, why'd you tell me we've got an engine? He never asked us. Oh, come on, leave me to it. I'll bet you stay here in all those wheels. Haven't gone, I can. Well, get one out of the crew.Willie, Jeremiah, and Albert walk towards an old train engine.WILLIE (CONT'D)There she is.Albert and Jeremiah are trying to move the train engine.WILLIE (CONT'D)Isn't she a beauty?EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAYWILLIE and JEREMIAH HARBOTTLE are in the engine of a train. Willie is wearing a cap and overalls. Jeremiah Harbottle has a long white beard, wearing a cap and dark clothes.WILLIEWhat is it, the rocket? That's Gladstone. Lovely lines, ain't she?Willie and Jeremiah Harbottle are outside the train. Willie is now wearing a white shirt and waistcoat.WILLIE (CONT'D)Where does it go? How do you think it got here? I thought maybe that stalker brought it. Here, wait a minute. Let me go first. She knows me. What's all the decorationsJEREMIAH HARBOTTLEfor?WILLIEWe leave for mappity. Blimey, you just heard of it. Well, where's the soft starter? Well, you can't start it till you get it on the boil. Well, come on, do something about it. Come on. All right.WILLIEOh, good morning. Got a match? Yes.Willie and Jeremiah Harbottle are in the engine. Willie is trying to light something.A close up of a nest with an egg in it. Willie lights the nest on fire.WILLIE (CONT'D)Now I'll start it. YouJEREMIAH HARBOTTLEcan't start it, it'll have handWILLIEpoints toJEREMIAH HARBOTTLE80.WILLIEHow do you get it to 80? You soak it. Where's the coal?UNKNOWNIn theWILLIEscuttle. There's no coal there to boil an egg. It's been put in the tender. That's all right. You can't destroy these. They're company properties, destination boards. Look, Belfast, Tipperary, Dublin, Cheltenham. Oh, you can burn that one. I've hauled it, but I don't see how you're going to get the carriage out in the middle of those trucks. We're going to shun it out.ALBERT, a young man in a striped shirt and cap, stands next to the train.WILLIE (CONT'D)No, what? Those trucks never would have been put there in the first place. Well, I know that, you old fool. The point is they've got to be shifted. Come on.Willie, Jeremiah Harbottle, and Albert are kneeling on the tracks.WILLIE (CONT'D)Now, look here. Look, there's the carriage there, you see? Now, turn out your pockets, Albert. Come on. That's right. Now, that'll be the line of trucks there.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEYouWILLIEsee? This is the side in here, isn't it? No, that's the station. You're on the wrong side. Get over here. Now, see,WILLIEwhere were we?WILLIENow, there's Gladstone. These are the trucks, and that's the carriage. Now, the problem is to get it out. Well, if we had a crane, we could lift it out. If we had a crane, with some dynamite, we could blow it out. And you shut up, too.WILLIENow, I'm Gladstone. No, I'm Gladstone. Well, we can't have two Gladstones. Here, you can be the rover carriage. If I can't be Gladstone, I'm not going to fly. That's the, uh... You'veJEREMIAH HARBOTTLEgot me all mixed up now. AllWILLIEright, if you're too clever, you show us. Well, I say Gladstone's here. How can Gladstone be there? I'll tell you where Gladstone is. Let's go! Whoa!WILLIEThat's it. We've got to stop dancing too. Come on.The train starts moving. Willie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle run after it.WILLIE (CONT'D)Go on, stop her! Albert will run on the sleepers! Albert, get ahead of it and head it off! Go on!Willie runs on the tracks.Willie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are at the train station. Willie is now wearing a station master's uniform.WILLIE (CONT'D)Well, good morning, gentlemen. Just a little staff drill in case one of our engines ever got away. You'll be the new stationmaster, I'm thinking. I am, and... We represent the tradesmen of Buggles Kelly, and we want some trades.Willie is talking to three men in hats.WILLIE (CONT'D)Oh, trains. Oh, yes. Well, we've got plenty of them here. But it didn't have one of them stopped. What? You mean didn't stop? Why, will the trains stop here on Tuesday? Well, where do you want to go to? Just to the place as mentioned, on them tickets. What? All of them? No less. We've supplied goods to the value of them tickets.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEAnd you've either got to provide us with trains or give us our goods back.WILLIEOh, that's absolute nonsense. We don't go to our customers and demand our journeys back. I hold on there. We'll hear what your head office has to say. Good day to you.WILLIEOh, gentlemen, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Don't go. I didn't say I wouldn't do it. As a matter of fact, I'm making up a special now. I'm just waiting for the OK from Belfast.WILLIEOh, excuse me, my engine.WILLIECould you come back tonight? What? Here? At night? We will not. Oh. Well, I'm very busy just now. Where could I see you? You know Barney's Bar. I know Barney's Bull. Oh, Barney's Bar. Yes, of course, the local. Well, I can see you there. But just now, I've got some shunting to do, so if you don't mind, I'll shunt off.Willie is talking to the men in hats. Jeremiah Harbottle is in the engine.Albert is on the tracks waving a flag.WILLIE (CONT'D)There's a signal. Outside!The train is moving.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEFunny, how didUNKNOWNthatJEREMIAH HARBOTTLEhappen?WILLIEDo you know where you sent those fucks? Yes, down there. You've done it.A shot of a cliff.WILLIE (CONT'D)Well, we've got the carriage anyway. Yes, but if you want to keep it, you'd better get it off the main line. Why? Expect to be here any minute. Well, what are you waiting for? Go on!WILLIEWhy didn't it start? Do something, force them to leave us.Steam comes out of the train, covering Willie and Jeremiah Harbottle.WILLIE (CONT'D)Now you've done it. You've got to let all the steam out. Well, we'll have it. We can always make some more when we want it. Yes, but we want it now. The carriage is still on the main line.WILLIEDon't stand in there. Get up and push.Willie and Albert push the train. Jeremiah Harbottle gets out of the train.WILLIE (CONT'D)Here, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I'm coming.UNKNOWNHere, half aWILLIEmonth,UNKNOWNhalf a month.WILLIEHere, wait a minute, wait a minute. Here, here, what day is it? It's our last if we don't get this thing shifted. It's the 19th. Here, see what it says here? On April the 19th, summertime will start. Clock should be adjusted accordingly. See, I think we've got last time. Yeah, that's quite correct.WILLIEHey, that's addressed to me. Yeah, that's right. What's the idea of opening my letters? Well, I couldn't have told you it was wrong if I hadn't opened it. Well, if you should, you leave my letters alone, will you?WILLIETo adjust the service to the new time, the 11 o'clock express on this day will run at 12 o'clock summertime. Well, what are we hurrying about? We've got two hours. I can make out we've got two hours. Well, if we put the clocks back an hour and the train's an hour late, then it's two hours, isn't it? Well, you put the clocks forward and the train back. Well, what do we get then? We've got the express coming any minute. What are you talking about? Listen, if the train's an hour late, how can it be coming now? It's summertime. Summertime. The old fool's potty. Summertime or wintertime if a train's laid it's late. Yeah, that's right. I thought you'd put the clock forward. Well, if the clocks go forward, then the train's already gone. No, no, no, no, you put the clocks back. Of course you do. You lengthen the day by taking an hour off the end and sticking it on the beginning. No, no, you take an hour off the beginning and stick it on the end. That's wintertime. No, wintertime, you put them back. Well, that's what I said. No, you said you put it back for summertime. Yes, that's right. It ain't. You put the clocks forward if you make the train early. Oh, would you believe it? Listen, I know what I'm talking about. You don't put the clocks forward, you put them back. You put the train back. I see. You put everything back. Yes. I'm sorry. You all right? Well, of course I'm right. The train won't be here for another two hours.WILLIEThat's awful. I said we should have put the clocks forward.INT. BAR - NIGHTA group of men are sitting around a table. One of them, MR. MURPHY, has a large beard, wearing a hat and dark clothes. He is drinking from a mug.WILLIEHey,JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEwhatWILLIEare you doing?UNKNOWNAJEREMIAH HARBOTTLEtrick. Fill them up again and I'll show you another.WILLIEI'll bet you would. Hey, what about the excursions? Only tickets? No. Oh, give me to you and sell some. Nobody wants to go to Connemara. That's because you haven't tried to sell them in the right way. All right, you have a go. Double one toUNKNOWNget.WILLIEIt's been a nice day. It has that. It's one of those days when it would be nice to be at Connemara. It would, that. Do you know Connemara? Indeed I do. You have an uncle there. Oh, have you? Have a drink, will you? Thanks. I'll have a point of thought.Willie is talking to a man with a pipe.WILLIE (CONT'D)This grand old place, Connemara. It is that. Pine salmon in the river. Yes. Grouse on the moors. And here on the hills. There's Miss Chief of the town. Here. Oh, your help. Thank you. Good help. So you've an uncle in Connemara? Well, I'm on an excursion there tomorrow. How would you like to pay your uncle a surprise visit? That wouldn't surprise him. Why not? Sure, he's in the cemetery.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEYou're wasting your time!WILLIEYou frozen-faced old... Oh, good evening, gentlemen.WILLIENow, what about it? Oh, yes, yes. Well, gentlemen, I've been going into the matter with these tickets of yours, and I think I've got a solution. We don't want a solution. Have you got old trains? Yes. Well, in a way, perhaps not trains, but I've got a train. Well, gentlemen, I've arranged an excursion for you. And all you've got to do is to give me your old tickets, and I'll give you these new ones in exchange. An excursion, is it? And will it be after visiting all the places mentioned on our list? Oh, well, I couldn't guarantee that. You see, I've arranged the excursion to go to Connemara. Connemara? Where's that? What, Connemara? Well, it's, um... You go down the line and you take the first tunnel on the left. How about my ticket to Tipperary? Oh, it's a long way to Tipperary. Now, the reason I'm sending you to Connemara... It's my point about Connemara. It's Barry Bunyan who wants to be at. Well, perhaps I can arrange that later. Now, Connemara... Listen. If you come to my shop and ask for turnips, I give you turnips. I don't try to give you carrots. I'm asking for Tipperary, and it's Tipperary where I want to go. Don't get excited. Don't get excited. I mean, if you set your heart on Tipperary, well, that's I can arrange towards the excursion. Well, that sounds reasonable. Reasonable indeed. And me with a ticket for belly bunion. Well, I'm only trying to be. Kelly, did you not hear the gentleman say we were going to Tipperary? That's a blazes with your Tipperary and your Ballybunion. What am I going to do with my cock? We're going to Ballybunion. Ballybunion is the finest place in Ireland. What? You're not going to stand for that, are you? No, you're not. Ballybunion is the finest place in the world. And that's on your throat. Well, what are you going to say to that? Ballybunion. I'd sooner go to Connemara, and that's bad enough. What's that you're saying about the hometown Connemara? You keep out of this and mind your own business. He can't talk to you like that, can he? And neither can you. What is that of your beer? Would you mind stepping this way for a minute? I'd be delighted. Go on, flit on the tail of me coat. All right, knock that off.WILLIEAnd I come from Dublin.UNKNOWNGet down.A man throws a dart at a dartboard. Mr. Murphy falls to the ground.A fight breaks out in the bar.Willie is standing in the dark.WILLIEOh, I'm sorry, I can't... Sit down.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEIWILLIEwas about to send to you, Mr. Porter. Take a drink. Oh, well, as a matter of fact, I... Take a drink.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEYes.WILLIEHe hasJEREMIAH HARBOTTLElong life to you, Mr.WILLIEStationmaster.WILLIESame to you, mister. I didn't catch your name. Call me Joe. Joe, yes.WILLIEWhat's this train you got running tomorrow? Oh, that? Oh, it's a little idea of my own. It's a special excursion, non-stop saloon. Going east or west? It's going both ways. East going and west coming back. It's going to Connemara. Connemara? The very place. How many ticks do you sold? Oh, let me see now.WILLIEHave you sold any? No. Right. I'll take the lot. What, the whole 200? Why, you must have a large family. Oh, no. It's a football team I'm taking. The Buggles Kelly Wednesday. The who? The Buggles Kelly Wednesday. We're playing a match. Well, on a Tuesday. How funny. Well, what about the money? What? Oh, it's just a little formality, that's all. I'll tell you when I come back. Win or lose. Win or lose. And I want that train at six o'clock in the morning. Oh, no, that's impossible. My excursion's not running till 10. Well, that's just too bad. The deal's off. Oh, don't say that. I'll see that it runs early for you. And how about the doings? That'll be all. And don't forget, six o'clock in the morning. Six o'clock, yes. Good night.UNKNOWNGood luck to the Thursday, Tuesday, the Wednesday.WILLIEOh, myUNKNOWNGod.WILLIEHey, hey, come on, come on, what's all this? He's drunk and he's out. Oh, that's a nice thing. What do you do with my station trolley? He always brings it, that's how he gets home. Albert pushes him. Oh, does he? Who's gonna push him tonight? It looks like you are.Willie is talking to Albert and Jeremiah Harbottle. Albert is holding Jeremiah Harbottle.UNKNOWNPop.Willie is in the station office. Albert and Jeremiah Harbottle are asleep on the floor.WILLIEHey, Albert. Albert, get up. Get up. You've got to help me get this train away. Hey.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEIs it right what Pat tells me? You're starting theWILLIEtrain now. Of course it's right. Go on, hurry up. The passengers will be here any minute.EXT. TRAIN STATION - DAYWillie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are at the train station. Willie is in his station master uniform. Albert is in his striped shirt and cap. Jeremiah Harbottle is in his dark clothes and cap.WILLIEGet a move on. Get into your cab. Ah, good morning, gentlemen. Morning. Tickets, please. Morning. Tickets, please. Good morning. Tickets, please. Good morning, sir. Tickets, please. Good morning. Oh, good morning, sir. Tickets, please. Thank you. All aboard for fast, non-stop special express. Dining, car, saloon, train to Collymour. All aboard. Tickets, please. Oh, I've got... Hey, what's that? You can't take long as bad on an excursion. Oh, those are the gold posts. We all must take our own. Oh, I see. Oh, that's all right. Say, what's in that? Oh, those are lemons for half time. Oh, I see.WILLIEYou won't put that on the rack, will you? All ready? Sure. Hey, you, come here.Willie is sitting on a bench, clipping tickets.WILLIE (CONT'D)What are we waiting for? Have you got to do all that? Oh, yes, very important. Still, if you don't know how they, perhaps you wouldn't mind taking them and clipping them on the way. Thank you.Willie falls to the ground.WILLIE (CONT'D)Hello, Blackham. This is Buckles Kelly reporting excursion away. What excursion? There's nothing under my schedule for four hours. I don't care about your schedule. Expect my excursion any minute.WILLIEHey, hey, come on, get up! Get out of it! Come on! GetWillie is in the station office. Albert and Jeremiah Harbottle are asleep on the floor. Willie tries to wake them up.UNKNOWNup!WILLIEThey're lying in bed at this time!WILLIEGet up! What do you think it is, a rest home? What's the idea? I'll show you what the idea is. Think I want to run this station by myself? Look at this block, look it! What a nice state of affairs, sleeping till this hour. Come on, get up.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEComeWILLIEon.WILLIENow, day don't start till 8 o'clock. Your day starts where mine starts. Your, your hours have got to conform to the prescriptive, the... You've got to get up and I tell you.WILLIEHere. What are you doing? What are you doing? It looks like I'm doing anything around here. I've just had to go and get that train off by myself. Huh? What train? Here. What train? Well, the train's just gone out. There's been no train out of here since last Tuesday. You should be saying I don't know what I'm talking about. Well, I'm saying it now. I never heard no train go out. Or me. Well, you weren't in a fit condition to hear anything, either of you.WILLIEI'll attend to that.WILLIEHello, station master Buckles Kelly speaking. What's this special train that you say has just left your place? It has not. It left here at six o'clock. I know, it was six because I looked at our clocks. Are you sure you haven't seen it? Oh, well, maybe it's had a puncture or something. What do you mean, am I sure it left? Of course I am, I saw it off myself. Don't you talk to me like that.WILLIEYou let me tell you that it... Hello, hello.WILLIEOh.UNKNOWNHmm.WILLIEYeah, it's funny. Bracken Junction says the train hasn't come through yet. Course it hasn't. There never was any train. Hey, do you think I don't know a train when I see one? I see some funny things after a night at Barney's Bar. I suppose you didn't think you saw any passengers on this train you think you saw? Of course I did. They were the whole of the Buggles-Killy-Rensley football team. They're gonna play a cup tie. There's only one football team here, the Swifts, and they won't go without me. Why not? I'm their centre-forward. Listen, will you do me a favor? Well, tomorrow, just before the express comes, go to sleep on the rails. If it's one of your trains, it won't hurt him. So you still don't believe me? Well, listen, I clicked all the tickets, and the clippings will be on the platform now. I'll go and get them to prove it toJEREMIAH HARBOTTLEyou.WILLIEHello? Look here. I've held the down express for four minutes. Has that special trade of yours come back, or what's happened to it?WILLIEHe's holding up the express. What shall I tell him? Tell him they let it through.WILLIEYou tell him.WILLIEHello, is that Bracken? That's the expert's room. I heard the excursion isn't leaving until 10 o'clock.UNKNOWNIWILLIEheard the old man. Oh, he had a thick night. Been seeing things. Yeah. OK, sits us.WILLIEHe says he's going to reportJEREMIAH HARBOTTLEhim.WILLIEPoor old governor. Yeah, he's going like the others. There'll be another clock here soon. Yeah.WILLIEWe'd better humor him.WILLIEThe clippings are not there now. Of course they're not. What do you mean, of course they're not? They were there. Of course they were. Well, the wind must have blown them away. Of course it must. What's the matter with you two? Do you think I'm balmy? Of course we don't. Now understand this. I clipped those tickets, the train left at 6 o'clock and I saw it off. And don't say of course you did. Then where is it now? Between Hill and Bracken. I will soon know. Why? Well, go on now, but you tell him. Well, it's like this. If you had a drain and a rabbit went down it, and you weren't sure the rabbit went down it or not, what would you do? Same for the plumber. What's this got to do with my train? Well, come into that, you bung a ferret in. A what? A ferret. What, in my train? Yes, in the drain. If it comes out the other end with blood on its nose, you know that... You know that somebody's punched it. That's what's going to happen to you.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLENo,WILLIEyou know that theJEREMIAH HARBOTTLErabbit'sWILLIEthere. AndJEREMIAH HARBOTTLEif it comes out the other endWILLIEwith no blood on its nose, well, then you know that the rabbit isn't there. I understand what you two are talking about. What rabbit is this? An allegorical rabbit. A what? Allegorical rabbit. I don't care if it's an Austin rabbit. What's it got to do with my train? Because your train's a rabbit. Well, where's the parrot? For down expressing it a bear any minute, he let it through. What? You let the express through with my expression? Listen, my lad, if there's any blood on my train's nose,WILLIEYou see any blood? Tap and drop.Willie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are in the station office. Willie is talking to a man with a bandage on his head.WILLIE (CONT'D)Now you tell them. They don't believe me. Oh, tell them about the football team. Did they or did they not leave here this morning? What football team? Well, the one the man bought the tickets for. What man?WILLIEWell, that's my private room. ButJEREMIAH HARBOTTLEthere's nobody in there.WILLIENobody? What's the matter with everybody? Listen, you know very well... No, I can see that you don't. Listen, actually, I went in there and we fixed up about sending away the Buggles Curry Wednesday. I suppose you could tell the next there's no such team. I never heard of it. But they went away on my excursion to Connie Mara. You remember me trying to sell the gifts for Connie Mara. I do not. Was anybody here last night?WILLIEI can see you were. You must have seen me. But I was busy with two other fellows.WILLIEHe'll admit there was a fight here. Well, there was a bit of an argument. Yeah, well, it was then I went in the back room and met this man. He got one eye. One eye? Yes. Did he say who he was? No, but he told me to call in Joe.Willie is talking to a man behind the bar. A woman is in the background.WILLIE (CONT'D)Glory be. One eye, Joe, the miller. Well, I don't know what his trade was, but that's the man who went with the party on the train this morning. The train? He seen that too? Well, of course I have. I waved it out. Why, what's the matter? Seen the miller? You're no company for the likes of us.WILLIEWhat's the idea of allJEREMIAH HARBOTTLEthis?WILLIEThe milk wheel turns, though the night is still, he haunts the station, he haunts the hill, and the land that lies between. Oh, he's a house agent, is he? Well, I want his name and address.UNKNOWNHeWILLIEwas took my train 10 years ago. Yes, well, he was took to my train this morning and I won the next to the nation. No, like a good man, don't be talking about such things in this house. No, let sleeping ghosts alive. Listen, I'll stand for ghosts with their heads tucked under their arms, but he's had goalposts. All I know is somebody's bothered to train for me and I'm going to find out what he's done with it. Come on. No, we're not coming. They're opening half an hour. Help!WILLIEI know, I'm wasting me time.INT. STATION OFFICE - DAYWillie is on the phone. MR. BROCK, a bald man in a suit, is on the phone at his desk.WILLIEHello? What's the matter with your station? Doesn't anyone answer the phone? I'm sorry, I've just been to the local, the local signal box. Where's this excursion? Why, haven't you seen it? No, and nobody has. Oh, well, that's funny, isn't it? There's nothing funny about it. Are you dead certain you sent it off? Well, are you dead certain you sent it to me? Of course I am. Well, I'm dead certain I sent it off. Then where the blazes is it? I don't know. Who had it last? What are you babbling about, man? The train was sent to you and it hasn't been heard of since. Well, I can't understand it. Are you sure your driver knows the way? There hasn't been an accident, has there? Not according to my ferret.WILLIEHello? Just a moment, please. This is Bracken. Where is your train? Have you or have you not sent that excursion off? Yes. Well, where is it? Well, we've missed it for the moment. Excuse me. It went off at 6 o'clock. When? What? It was scheduled for 10 o'clock. Is that a different one to the 10 o'clock one? No. Are you contradicting me? No, not you. You. Yes? No. What do you mean by changing those schedules? It's shooting my customers better. Customers? What customers? I'm not talking to you. Will you pull yourself together, man? I am together. Well, where is it?WILLIEGet off the line, ring off. Ring off? Do you know who you're talking to? Yes, I'm talking to him. I'll report this to Brock at head office. Oh, yes, well, you're too late. I'm talking to the old fool now. What old fool? What are you gibbering about? I can't hold up the whole service. Can I stick me signals off? Yes, if it'll give you any pleasure. Let me tell you something else, too. I'm going to ring off. Oh, are you?JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEWell, let me tell you something. You can pack up yourWILLIEthings and go back to England. And if you're not out of that station by tonight... Tonight? Why, take me all day to pack. What's the hurry? You're fired. Fired? Yes.WILLIEOh.WILLIEWell, I've been thrown out of better stations than this.Willie is packing his belongings. Albert and Jeremiah Harbottle are with him.WILLIE (CONT'D)Hey, what you packing for? I'm leaving. What, tonight? Have you told the head office? They told me.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEWhat's the matter?WILLIEHe's got the push. Poor old guy. Hey, you can't go like this. Have a bit of bacon. No, I wouldn't deprive you of it. He won't keep much longer. No, thanks. I thought you wouldn't stay with us very long. He never did like Station Master. Who? One-eyed Joe the Miller. Listen, I've had enough of him.WILLIERemember, that's such a lot of rubbish. It ain't rubbish. Every night when the moon gives light, the Miller's ghost is seen. He walks the track with a sack on his back. And his ear all painted green, I know. He haunts theJEREMIAH HARBOTTLEtunnel. He hauntsWILLIEthe hill and theJEREMIAH HARBOTTLEland that liesWILLIEbetween. Ah, it's all me eye. Here,WILLIEI'll give you this.WILLIEIt's a tunnel. There's no tunnel on our line. Oh, not on the new line. But on the old loop line, there's one. Loop line? Well, first I heard of a loop line. He runs through Pookahill. Tank use now. Through Pookahill? Where does he lead you? Across the border. Border? Loop line? Tun... I've got it! Go on! Where are we going? Find my train!WILLIEAre there any more arguments? We're going. I shouldn't. Besides, we might overwork Radson. She was out yesterday, you know. I warned you. It's haunted. Oh, shut up. Come on. Let's have a look at the map, Albert. Here. Hold that, Jerry. Now, there's Pruger Hill, and there's the mill on the top. Here's Buggles Kelly, and there's the line that runs the Bracken Junction. There's where the line crosses the border, and there's the border. Now, here's where the old line branches out here. That's right. And one-eyed Joe was killed right there.Willie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are in the train engine. Willie is holding a lantern.WILLIE (CONT'D)Banshee! Banshee. It's Radson on the boil. Come on.WILLIEWhoa! What's he say? He said, whoa. I thought he said, Joe.WILLIEThis is the branch line, all right. Now, where's the point lever?Willie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are on the tracks. Willie is looking for something.WILLIE (CONT'D)Be quiet. Shh! I've got it. Yeah, I've got it first. Oh, look, look, fresh oil. Hello.WILLIEAh, take a look at that. What does that prove?JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEThere's been a cattle show.WILLIECattle show? That's a football favour. Well, it shows we're on the right track anyway. Well, we'll see where it leads us. GoUNKNOWNon. Right.UNKNOWNLook, there'sWillie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are in the train engine. They see a tunnel.WILLIEthe tunnel.WILLIEWell, there's something across it. I told you, they don't use it. He pulled it up. Oh. Well, slow down. You'll hit it. Right. Slow down. Put your brakes on. Right. Brake! Brake! Brake!UNKNOWNBroke.WILLIENow seeUNKNOWNwhat you've done.WILLIEWhy don't you stop it when I told you to? When I asked of. Well, you couldn't have yourself with that thing, Rick.WILLIELook, there it is. My excursion. Now who's potty?WILLIEWell, I wonder where everybody is. Ah, that's they're playing football. Now, who plays football in the dark? Night school. Don't be silly. They haven't even unpacked the goalpost. Now we've found the train, let's go back. Well, after them messing me about, piecing my train, leaving it lie about in a strange tunnel, not me. Besides, they haven't even paid for the tickets.Willie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are in the train engine. They are looking for the football team.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEHey.WILLIELook, my tickets. They haven't even clipped them. Some more over there.WILLIEBlimey, they chucked him away. Oh, what a nerve.WILLIEHey, follow me. Now, I'm not going in there. Oh, yes, you are. You're going to do as you're told, and you too. It's not my business to poke me loads in other people's tunnels. That's right. You mean you say you're going to let me go in there alone to face whatever there is to face? Yes. All right. I'll get inside.Willie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are in the tunnel.WILLIE (CONT'D)It's all right, I'm behind you.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEWould you like to come in front?WILLIENo, I can see fine from here.WILLIEWhat was that?JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEVoices.WILLIEMust be somebody there.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLENo.WILLIEYes.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEWhat's that growling?WILLIEMy stomach. Oh, keep it quiet.WILLIEHey. Guns. Funny that state of a football match. They're not footballers. They're gun runners.Willie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are in a dark room. They see guns.WILLIE (CONT'D)Come on, boys, get that lot down. Oh, what's your hurry? No one's gonna find it here. Oh, if we're not over the border before sunrise, we'll all be finding ourselves in the jail. Go on, get that lot down, boy. Get the other one down from upstairs. Come on, Mickey, what's the matter with you? Can't you getUNKNOWNthat...WILLIECome on, hurry up.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEWe're gonna be here all night or what?WILLIEThis is a funny-looking place, isn't it? Cracky, we're in One Eye Joe's Cock-Eyed Mill. Oh, dear. Hey, quick, behind this.Willie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are in a dark room. They see a windmill.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEIfWILLIEwe go to the left. If we go to the right, we'll be wrong. It's the left.UNKNOWNIt'sWILLIEthe left? No, it's the left. Of course it's the left. I go to the right. Listen,UNKNOWNifWILLIEwe go to the left, we turn round and get to the other road. Good evening. If we go to the right...WILLIEAll of you.Willie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are hiding behind some sacks. They see the gun runners.WILLIE (CONT'D)What are you doing here? Oh, you dropped a ticket. Don't you start anything. Three of us. How do? One.WILLIEFollow me.WILLIEComeUNKNOWNhere.WILLIECome on downstairs. And hurry.WILLIEBullshit!Willie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are locked in a room. They try to break down the door.UNKNOWNLet'sWILLIEbreak the door. We can't get out. They can't get in. It's all coming up. Open it yourself.WILLIEThey're not here. They must have got out some other way. Let's get back to the frame.Willie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are in the room. The gun runners are gone.UNKNOWNIt'sWILLIEHey, hey, what's the matter? I thought you were gone. The trouble with you is you think too much. Tie him up. Tie him up, you can't do that. I'm a busy subject.UNKNOWNWhatWILLIEare you going to do? You'll know soon enough. You can't do that, I said. Yeah? And who's going to stop us?WILLIEFlory B,Jeremiah Harbottle is covered in flour.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEthe ghost.UNKNOWNTheWILLIEPhantom Miller.WILLIEWhat are you,UNKNOWNJoe?WILLIEThat's not a ghost.Willie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are in the dark room. They see the gun runners escaping through a trapdoor.WILLIE (CONT'D)Daylight's here, Grogan. All right. They can't get away. We'll get them when we come back. Flip that boat!WILLIEThey've taken the ladder away. Now what are we going to do? We can't get down.Willie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are at the top of the windmill. The ladder is gone.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEWe can tie a bit of rope to that rope and slide down. That hook wouldn't bear our weight. We'dWILLIEhave to tie it this tight to that beam. That goes round when the wind blows, wind us up again. Never mind. It's a good idea. We can try it. Go on, give us a rope. Oh, we haven't got a rope.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEWell, what are weWILLIEarguing about then?UNKNOWNWhatWILLIEwas that? I don't know.The windmill starts to turn.A shot of the windmill turning.WILLIE (CONT'D)You touching something? No, I'm holding on. Come in, we lost you, lady. I shall be sick in a minute. Haven't we got enough trouble? He's got sticky fingers in your ears and can't up to a hundred.WILLIEHey, what's this? Oh, look.WILLIEOh, the,WILLIEthe, the, the, uh, preparer. Now, all we're going to do is to pull up one of these, uh, sails and make it to the bottom drop off. Anything going on? Well, something's holding it. Must be a break somewhere.WILLIEAh, perhaps this is it.UNKNOWNCanWILLIEhe stop? Yes. Well, there you are. We've got it under perfect control. Come on, Harvotten. Yes, what is it? We're going down on the windmill sails. Come on, you're first. What, right down there? No, no, go along this horizontal sail. Which? Well, this one, point to three o'clock. We'll lower you down. Then when you get to six o'clock, you can drop off. You understand? Yes, six o'clock. What time is it now? No, no, six o'clock at the bottom. All right.WILLIEOh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear. Come on, come on.WILLIEYou all right? Can I along here? Yes, go on.WILLIEOh, it's a long way down. Never mind, you'll soon be there. Yes, that's what I'm afraid of.WILLIEYou all right? Oh, dear, oh, dear. Just a minute.WILLIEOh, dear, oh, dear.WILLIEI'm back again.WILLIEHurry up.WILLIEAre you nearly there? Nearly.WILLIEI'm ready.WILLIEShe'sUNKNOWNready.WILLIEAll right, you don't take more, do it. Stop with the engine.WILLIEOh, dear. The blood's running to me act.UNKNOWNBending.UNKNOWNHey?WILLIEBending. Well, look at the weight on it. Can't you float a little? Go on.WILLIEI think I ought to go to the end. Yes, but don't go past the end.UNKNOWNAll right, I'm ready.WILLIEYou all right down there? Up up here. WhatUNKNOWNareWILLIEyou doing up there? Up 12 o'clock. Well, why don't you try? You'll spoil everything. Come on, give it a damn.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEYou'll have to climb out on the other way.WILLIEI can't. I can't think of the steamer. Oh, yes, you can. I'm balancing him. You climb out on the other one and you'll bring him down. Oh, all right. Hold on.UNKNOWNHurryWILLIEup. I'm cold up here.WILLIEGo on. I know whatUNKNOWNI'm doing.WILLIEHurry up. We're hurrying up.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEI can't hold on that younger.WILLIEI'm coming as fast as I can.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLEHurry up.The windmill turns. Willie, Albert, and Jeremiah Harbottle are on the sails.WILLIEI can't hold up backEXT. WINDMILL - DAYWILLIE is clinging precariously to the sail of a windmill. He struggles to hold on as the windmill rotates. He is silhouetted against the sky.WILLIElonger. I can't stay upWILLIEhere all day for the picking.The windmill continues to turn. WILLIE is upside down.WILLIE (CONT'D)Stop someone, Bobby. When are you going to get off?The windmill spins. Willie is still clinging to it.WILLIE (CONT'D)I'm slipping!WILLIEOh, shut up! I'm going to be sick!WILLIEI'm going! I'm going!Willie falls into a haystack. Another MAN IN A CAP AND OVERALLS is already in the haystack.WILLIE (CONT'D)All right, down!The man in the haystack looks up at Willie.WILLIE (CONT'D)We need a good job of fodder the hay carp. Yes, well, you might have thought of taking the fork out, too.UNKNOWNHere, look.INT. TUNNEL - NIGHTWillie and the other man are in the tunnel, on the tracks. Willie is wearing a train conductor's uniform. They are pushing a small train engine.WILLIENow, let's get away. What, without my train? Not likely. We'll come and glance into it.TRAIN CONDUCTORThere's an engine on the other end.WILLIEI'll attend to that.WILLIEAll right, Mike, on time. We're almost ready. Now, you start when I tell you. You'll go and drive until I tell you to stop. You understand? You think you'll get away with this? I hope so, for your sake. Hurry up. Jump to it. Get moving. No funny business.Willie is now in the cab of the engine, talking to the TRAIN CONDUCTOR. The other man is also in the cab.Other men are trying to get into the train carriage.WILLIE (CONT'D)Right away. Start, fellow.A man looks out of the train window.WILLIE (CONT'D)Take down them. If we don't keep moving, they'll do what? We'll get up on the carriage loop. Do what? Get up there. Don't argue. Take this with you. If any of them stick theirUNKNOWNheads up,Willie climbs on top of the train.UNKNOWN (CONT'D)sloughINSERT - SIGN: "BEWARE OF TRAINS"WILLIEthem. What about that station mark? We collect them on the way back. We're none too soon as it appears. Hey, what's this? We're going the wrong way.A man looks out of the train window again.Willie is on top of the train, holding a shovel.The Train Conductor and another man are in the cab.INSERT - SIGN: "SPEED NOT TO EXCEED 10 MILES PER HOUR"INSERT - PRESSURE GAUGE: "S.R.N.I."WILLIE (CONT'D)Hey, look! Under bars are now. Let me see who can doWILLIEit. That's the pressure gauge. I know. I was draggingUNKNOWNthe speed by the telegraph pole.WILLIEDon't touch anything.UNKNOWNWe're comingWILLIEto Douglas Kelly in a minute. Never mind. Keep going. IUNKNOWNcan'tWILLIEgetUNKNOWNaWILLIEtouch. Tell me now. If we keep going, they can't get out.WILLIEWe're home.Willie is on top of the train. He looks down into the train.A man in a top hat is in the train cab.WILLIE (CONT'D)Douglas Kelly.Willie throws some sacks into the train cab.WILLIE (CONT'D)Are they cold? No, no, they're lying. Well, they're lyingUNKNOWNin anyway.WILLIEHere, here, don't take it,UNKNOWNMr.WILLIECole. We can run out and get on like that.The train enters a tunnel.UNKNOWNOh, shutUNKNOWNup. Ah!Willie is on top of the train, holding a shovel.UNKNOWN (CONT'D)We'reWILLIEgetting there!The train conductor looks out of the train cab.The man in the top hat looks out of the train.The train conductor looks worried.The train conductor is holding a shovel.The train conductor looks worried.Willie is on top of the train, shoveling coal.The man in the top hat is in the train carriage.The train conductor and the man in the top hat are in the train cab.UNKNOWNHey!A small object falls from the train.UNKNOWN (CONT'D)Hey! Hey! What's the matter? You're makingWillie is on top of the train, shoveling coal.The train conductor looks at Willie.WILLIEall the steam out! Who is? You are! Look, he's got enough to boil! Where is it?UNKNOWNYou tell me that! Hey!The man in the top hat looks out of the train cab.The train is moving fast.INSERT - SIGN: "WHISTLE"The train conductor blows a whistle.WILLIEUse your gun. I can't get the gun. Give me your rifle. We haven't gotMen are struggling inside the train carriage.Willie is on top of the train, shoveling coal.WILLIE (CONT'D)any ammunition. Keep it, please.WILLIEWhoa!Willie looks into the train cab.Men are struggling inside the train carriage.UNKNOWNWhoa! Whoa! Okay. What isWillie is on top of the train, shoveling coal.A man is in a signal box, looking out of the window.WILLIEit? Don't look down, but there's anotherThe man in the top hat looks out of the train cab.UNKNOWNtrain coming. Oh! Hey!The train conductor and the man in the top hat look worried.The train is moving on the tracks.WILLIEOh, it's fixed.JEREMIAH HARBOTTLE is in the train cab with the train conductor. Jeremiah has a long white beard.UNKNOWNWe can'tWILLIEwalk forever. This is the last bit of car we've got left.WILLIEHere, here, here. You can't burn, lads. No, if we don't get any help too, you'll go any next. That might as well go to the scout. Well, how do we get them? Well, when they're seeing they want help, they put a message in a bottle and she'll get overboard. Yeah, put it in that bottle. Yes, lads, it's my mention. Oh, come on, come on. No waste time. They'llUNKNOWNchuckWILLIEit away. Ah. Here, here. That's my mention. I'm as ill as you are. I'm going to want a couple of trains on theTRAIN CONDUCTORengine.WILLIEHow are you goingTRAIN CONDUCTORtoWILLIEdo it? Give usTRAIN CONDUCTORyour hat. Here. Now, you stick it out thatMen are struggling inside the train carriage.Willie is on top of the train, shoveling coal.UNKNOWNsideUNKNOWNwhen IA hat flies off the train.UNKNOWN (CONT'D)get out of this.A man looks out of the train window.A man in a top hat is in the train carriage.WILLIEThere's a bottle.UNKNOWNGiveWILLIEit to me.The train conductor and Jeremiah Harbottle are in the train cab. The train conductor is holding a bottle.A man in a top hat is in the train carriage.The train is in a dark tunnel.WILLIE (CONT'D)No, not there, you fool. We're in theTRAIN CONDUCTORtunnel. Where's Cole? I'mMen are struggling inside the train carriage.UNKNOWNinWILLIEtheWILLIEdanger.The train conductor and Jeremiah Harbottle are in the train cab. The train conductor has soot on his face.WILLIE (CONT'D)It's not Cole. It's yourA man looks out of the train window.Willie looks out of the train cab, his face covered in soot.WILLIE (CONT'D)pants. It's going to aUNKNOWNstation. I'm going to throw it.INT. STATION MASTER'S OFFICE - DAYThe station master's office is visible through a window. The TRAIN CONDUCTOR is at a desk, eating. He has soot on his face.The train conductor is holding a piece of paper.INSERT - NOTE: "Have got gun-runners aboard stop what shall we do stop will escape if we stop stop Porter, Stationmaster (Retired) P.S. Tell a policeman."WILLIECalling Belfast, Argent. Calling Belfast.INT. TRAIN CAB - DAYThe train conductor is in the train cab, looking out of the window. He has soot on his face.TRAIN CONDUCTORBelfast, standing by. Go ahead, please.The train conductor looks out of the window.TRAIN CONDUCTOR (CONT'D)Station, stand by for all the schedule.The train conductor looks at the man in the top hat.TRAIN CONDUCTOR (CONT'D)Stand by for all the schedule. Stand by for all the schedule.The man in the top hat looks out of the window.TRAIN CONDUCTOR (CONT'D)Side track 24, good.WILLIESide track 24, good. Right.TRAIN CONDUCTORPole 16, express. Pole 16, express. Right.WILLIEDiverge on the way to West Yard.The train is moving.UNKNOWNAll cars proceed to West Yard Terminus. AllThe train conductor is in the train cab.UNKNOWN (CONT'D)cars proceed to West Yard Terminus. All cars proceed to West Yard Terminus.The train is moving on the tracks.The train conductor is in the train cab.The train conductor looks at the man in the top hat.The train conductor looks at the man in the top hat.The train conductor looks at the man in the top hat.A man is in a signal box, looking out of the window.The train is moving.Willie is on top of the train.The train conductor and Jeremiah Harbottle are in the train cab. They both have soot on their faces.The train is moving on the tracks.The train is moving.The train conductor and Jeremiah Harbottle are in the train cab.The train pulls into a station. People are on the platform.WILLIEThey're all in there. Well, Drogon, we've got youSteam comes out of the train.Willie is on top of the train, holding a suitcase.UNKNOWNat last.Men are being pulled out of the train carriage.WILLIECongratulations. Good, thank you. Good busy work. Thank you. All inWillie, Jeremiah Harbottle, and the train conductor are on the platform. Willie and the train conductor shake hands with a man in a suit and bowler hat.SUPERINTENDENTa day's work. I'll see that you get recognition in the proper quarters.WILLIEOh, don't thank me. Grand old engine, Matt. Ninety years old. Yes, and good for another night.Steam billows around the men.The men are still on the platform.The screen fades to black.TITLE CARD: "THE END Oh, Mr. Porter!"OH, MR. PORTER!Generated by FrameToPagehttps://archive.org/download/Oh_Mr.Porter_1937/Oh_Mr.Porter_1937.mp4Draft date: 2026-07-10Runtime: ~80:41